A review of ...Clementines

Cool name. Crap fruit.
Ahhhgggghh, just, agggghh, they make me angry. Fruit really shouldn't make you angry. The problem with Clementines is not that they are a particularly bad tasting fruit (they could be Lychies nothing that is used to make potpourri can ever taste good), but it's just that they are basically just a worse version of the glorious Satsuma!
Satsumas are sooo good. they are the bast thing for giving up Chocolate, they have just the right amount of sweetness to make a sweet toots of ten happy and they are just as convenient as snack food. Clementines though, pips everywhere hard to peel and the sweetness is taken over by enough citric acid to corrode Titanium. They even make body butter out of Satsumas- clearly they are the most wholesome fruit.

All this may be bearable had it not been for the fact that during the good satsuma months preceding the dark days of Clementine season you had gotten completely addicted to Satsumas, having bags a day, Jamie Oliver would be proud, and then post Christmas, when you need to loose a bit weight and keep out the winter colds- suddenly all the Satsumas are cruelly stolen away and the inferior excuses for citrus fruits take their place! Well I won't stand for it any more! It is a matter a great importance to national health that a nice convenient fruit stays on the shelves all year around? Allthees scientists working on giant pink carrots and not one can make all year round Satsumas? And what kind of place is that grows one kind of fruit and then changes to a slightly different kind of that fruit- surly they grow in the exact same climates? Who is it that suddenly decides to switch fruit? And most of all considering their bad quality why is it that people are named after Clementines but there are very few Satsumas christened? I demand answers!!