A review of...Chris Addison's sideburns

Far be it from me to criticize talented performers due to their hair style choice, but, when the choice in question is actively distracting from said performance, criticism has to be made! It was a good 5 minutes into the first time I watched one of Addison's stand-up routines before I realised that it wasn't the slightly jarring over-the-top performance style, which seemed at odds with his naturalistic role as Political adviser Ollie in 'The Thick of It', no it was the wholly unnecessary baby mutton chops crawling down his baby face. O Chris, no amount of oddly fashioned facial hair will stop you looking like a 12 year old public school boy. Into the same razor shy category I also have also to put David Tennant. A man who also employs the same level of puppy like energy in his performances, perhaps the sidies give them a Samson like energy? On no level does that mean I'd encourage any man alive to follow their example. Side burns are an exact science and, admittedly this may well be a personal hang up (though please do comment in support if you are with me) but any fashion sported by the Wurzels should be approached with extreme caution...and this is from a dye-hard country girl! Boys, you have been warned, cut them down or find yourself a combine harvester!

A Review of....America's Next Top Model: 12 Cycles on but still compulsive viewing

America’s Next Top Model is the perfect viewing experience: mindless, brightly coloured and addictive. The show, presented and produced by Tyra Banks, is now airing its twelfth season (or cycle as the Americans would have it) and the format has been exported to countries around the world. A thirteenth cycle is being put together at this very moment.
I’m certainly conscious of what I wear and how I want to be perceived but I’m definitely not a fashion slave, partly due to financial constraints and partly because the whole concept is clearly dubious from an environmental or basic human happiness point of view. Nevertheless I am a dedicated and unashamed Top Model fan and I am committed to spreading the love far and wide. So, here goes!

For anyone who doesn’t know, Top Model follows your basic elimination reality game show format. Thirteen model wannabes are whittled down over the course of the series by process of elimination based on their performance in the weekly tasks. Each series contains a number of standard set pieces: the makeovers, the runway challenge, the go-see challenge and the Covergirl commercial. Eliminations take place in front of a panel of industry expert judges who critique the photos and performance of the girls. The winner receives a modelling contract with Covergirl cosmetics and gets signed up to a modelling agency.

From the first episode that I watched I was instantly hooked and ended up watching the entire series in a single night (I believe in seeing an addiction through to the end). The appeal of Top model is simple yet contradictory. Ultimately it’s pure escapism. During the show the girls don’t have to worry about work or the mundane features of everyday life. They are thrown into an extravagant illusion of easy success based on looks alone. Yet it’s hard to say whether watching girls, who are prettier and thinner than me, having a good time actually makes me feel better about myself or worse. It’s rather like facebook stalking: you only stalk the people with more exciting lives than yourself even though you know it’ll make you feel inadequate.

But even with the escapism aside Top Model is worth watching for its visual appeal alone. The American version is the clear winner over the export versions in this respect. The budgets are incomparable. The American version is brighter and more lavish from the photo shoots to the judging rooms. The judging room in series one of Britain’s Next Top Model, for example, looks like the conference suite of a cheap hotel with a ‘Top Model’ sign stapled onto a grotty curtain. The Canadian judging room looks like it was borrowed from the set of an awful eighties quiz show.

As to the photos, some are truly stunning and you always look forward to the photo critique each week. In Britain’s Next Top Model the photo shoots are approached with a good, British dose of realism that reflects the overwhelming probability that even the winner is unlikely to feature in any serious fashion editorials. The judges’ in the American original make claims to look for an all-round winner who can do ‘commercial’ and ‘high fashion’ but there’s no sustained commitment to preparing the contestants for the realities of the less glamorous end of the fashion industry. The show never sacrifices the aesthetic glory of the dream for such dreary concerns.

So you’ve got escapism and aesthetics but Top Model also has some good, clean, family-fun entertainment thanks to the foibles of some of the judges and contestants. My all time favourite contestants from this point of view include Robin (cycle 1) who seems to have a biblical or moral maxim justification for everything she does, including buying $400 boots. There’s also Melrose (cycle 7), who epitomises the bitchiness that elimination shows can produce in people who are probably perfectly pleasant in the real world. In fact there’s a bitchy one for every cycle and usually a pair of girls who can’t stand each other so this never disappoints. The girls in Britain’s Next Top Model are arguably bitchier on the whole than their American counterparts and seem to form factions rather than there just being one or two bitchy girls within a larger group of nice girls. The first episode is always a selection episode and some of the auditions are priceless. Jaslene’s audition in cycle 7 is utterly glorious.

My all time favourite contestant by far, for entertainment value, has to be Jade Cole from cycle 6. She is outrageously arrogant, not only because of her looks and modelling abilities (frustratingly she does produce good photos) but also from a wildly misplaced belief in her level of intelligence. You have to see it to believe it but she has a unique vocabulary featuring words such as ‘analystic’, ‘tornness’, ‘dwelve’, ‘withhandle’ and ‘derrogatoriness’ which she not only believes are accepted words but that they make her sound intelligent. My favourite quote is “Elephants are just incredible. They’re so preposterous” but there are countless others.

Some of the judges are brilliant too. Janice Dickinson (cycles 1-4), boldly asserting herself as the world’s first supermodel, represents the brutal voice of the fashion industry and generally berates the girls for being ‘too fat’. She also has a hilarious argument with another judge Jay Manuel (who presents the Canadian version and claims that his skin is naturally that colour) in cycle 1 and is eventually replaced with Twiggy (cycles 5-9), the lovable fashion aunty who has a genuine claim to being the world’s first supermodel. The veteran model in Britain’s Next top Model is Huggy Ragnarsson: a walking warning to anyone considering plastic surgery. Back in America, two- time judge Nole Marin (cycles 3 and 4) ought to have some sort of statue erected in his honour for fulfilling so many fashion stereotypes. He’s a fashion editior who is gay, bitchy, short and a bit tubby, ruthless in judging the girls on their weight and has a miniature dog. Nigel Barker, the most enduring judge, probably owes the longevity of his service to the fact that there would be a tidal wave of abuse letters if the female viewers didn’t get to look at him each episode. His English accent appears to particular advantage next to the Americans and makes him all the more handsome.

Finally, there’s Tyra herself. There’re moments in the cycles when she shows surprising insights and she usually has intelligent and worthwhile advice for the contestants. There’s also her achingly awful attempt at a pop single and her frequent crazy moments which I can only assume are unfortunate attempts to make her look a bit quirky or original. When watching the programme you may sometimes wonder if you’re watching some sort of speech therapy programme as both Tyra and Jay Manuel belong to the presenter school of thought that believes in speaking patronisingly slowly and over-enunciating. There’s also the scandal as to whether cycle 9 was fixed so that Saleisha would win. It’s all on Youtube but the evidence looks pretty convincing to me, particularly as Chantal, the runner-up was basically a goddess.

The real question though, after twelve cycles, is does Tyra actually care about the girls anymore? Certainly comparing cycle 1 to the following cycles there’s a massive decline in the amount of time that Tyra personally invests into the girls’ progress. However, anyone questioning her interests needs to watch Tyra yelling at Tiffany in Cycle 4. Literally watch it now! It’s the rawest emotion that I’ve ever seen on a reality TV show, or maybe on any TV show, and it’s hard to believe that they didn’t edit it out.

So where should the Top Model novice begin their obsession? At the very beginning... Cycle 1 is probably still my favourite cycle and as I said there’s a lot more Tyra time and a feeling that there’s more at stake as there can only be one original top model winner. Cycles 8, 2 and 7 closely follow as my next favourites but, believe me, once you’ve watched one you will NEED to watch them all!

A review of...The 2008 Emmys

The Emmys are back! With the red carpet hotter than ever before! The award show began in spectacular fashion as always by the red carpet event. Stars from all across the States and Britain were interviewed by E!News presenter Giuliana Rancic and Ryan Seacrest. What you wear on the red carpet is almost more than important than the award ceremony itself! E! Daily Ten presenter Catt Sadler said ‘Showing up on a best or worst dress list in this town somehow manages to have a more lasting impact than a statue!’
Styles that were particularly prominent these years were metallics, and bright bold colours were very popular as seen on Brooke Shields in her fuchsia Badgley Mischka dress, and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s Mariska Hargitay. Black was surprisingly popular this year with Kate Walsh, America Ferrera, and Debra Messing all arriving in black dresses. The Emmys are the first award show of the season so there is even more importance within the fashion stakes as anything celebrities wear can be remembered and talked about for a long time. First presenters were Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, fresh from there work on the SNL spoof of Sarah Palin & Hilary Clinton, the pair looked glamorous as they presented the first award for ‘Outstanding supporting actor in a comedy series’.

It was all a far cry from the first show back in 1949, where the first award was given to Shirley Dinsdale for the Most Outstanding Television Personality.
1950 was the first national Emmy award show. Originally there was only one award show per year, this changed with the arrival of the Daytime Emmy, and the first daytime Emmy was given to The Doctors Best Show Daytime Emmy in 1972. Now that’s enough on the history! On to the red carpet – everyone’s’
favourite part!


The rest of last years award winners were:

Outstanding Drama Series –
Mad Men

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock – Winner

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series –
Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series –
Glenn Close, Damages- Winner

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series –
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock - Winner


Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series –
Tina Fey – 30 Rock

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie –
Paul Giamatti-John Adams


Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Zeljko Ivanek, Damages

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series –
Dianne west – In Treatment

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series –
Jeremy Piven – Entourage

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series – Jean Smart – Samantha Who?

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie –
Tom Wilkinson – John Adams


Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series –
Glynn Turman – In Treatment


Outstanding guest actress in a drama series –
Cynthia Nixon – Law and order : special victims unit

Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program –
Don Rickles, performer; Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project


Outstanding Reality-Competition Program –
The Amazing Race

Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program –
Jeff Probst – Survivor

Outstanding Miniseries
John Adams

Outstanding Made for Television Movie – Recount


Outstanding director for a variety, music, or comedy program
Louis.J.Horvitz


Outstanding writing for for a comedy variety or music show
Colbert Report

Oustanding directing for a miniseries movie or dramatic special
Jay Rooch – Recount

Outstanding writing for a miniseries , movie, or dramatic special
Kirk Ellis – John Adams

Outstanding writing for a drama series
Matthew Weiner – Mad Men – Smoke gets in your eyes


Surprisingly enough both Chandra Wilson and Sandra Oh missed out on ANOTHER Outstanding supporting actress in a drama series award for the third and fourth year running respectively. 30 Rock’s Tina Fey won three awards for Outstanding comedy series, Outstanding lead actress in a Comedy Series, and Outstanding writing for a Comedy Series. On top of her three wins, Fey also lost her purse! In a purple dress Fey accepted her awards, minus those famous glasses. This was rumoured to be because she wanted to distance herself from Sarah Palin for at least one night. The Hills start Lauren Conrad also made an appearance as a host, amid some criticism that she shouldn’t be giving out awards due to the fact she is not a ‘proper actress’
One of the highlights of the show was Veteran actor Don Rickles making an appearance with Kathy Griffin star of ‘My Life On The D-List’. Apparently Griffin was told not to go off script as she usually can be quite controversial, that was basically wasted as Rickles went off script for her. When Kathy Griffin asked people to stand up in honour of the legendary, Rickles then asked if it was a Jewish holiday. With the red carpet being so amazing, the overall show left a lot to be desired, as this was the 60th you would think that the organisers would have pulled out all the stops? But they didn’t hopefully next years will be more impressive!
E!’s presenter Catt Sadler commented ‘Overall, this year's 60th Anniversary of the Emmys lacked fire. It was rather boring. The ratings reflect that. TV shows in general suffered this past year because of the writer's strike and what have you... So the nominations and categories seemed somewhat lacklustre. Much respect to all of the nominees of course, but for the global viewing audience... I think it was a rather dull ceremony.’

A Review Of.....Aspirational T.V. Teens

If you have ever seen Charlie Brooker's amazing rant on aspirational TV you may have an idea of where I'm going with this. Having grown up watching various different long running American T.V. shows, one major difference between my life and theirs began to occur to me. Not the fact that generally they are all loaded (The O.C, 91210, Gossip Girl- it just makes easier for writers/producers as they are not limited by pesky reality), it's the fact that their central characters all seem to have one God given talent or dream that they can follow their heart to achieve.

In The O.C. Ryan was a gifted architect and Seth a born graphic artist who had a comic published and had met George Lucas by the second series (although to be fair Marisa did help to balance things a bit). Today's version, Gossip Girl is no better, Dan has always wanted to be a writer, although his stuff sounds mind numbing. His sister, Jenny/irritatingly angelic goodie godie/ irritatingly whinging teen/ irritatingly two faced bitch girl, is focused on fashion, and luckily for her she is already more talented than an Blair's Mum, an established designer. Really? Chloe On Smallville has always been after a Journalism career, likewise Rory on Gilmore Girls. Dawson from the Creek was making films before he could breath for God's sake!...I could go on. In fact the only T.V. American teens that don't have a dream either have some kind of supernatural calling or are 'IT' girls with issues.

By far the worst offender of this trend though has to be One Tree Hill. Lucas again wants to be a writer (an excuse for pretentious voice overs with all manner of intellectual quoting going on, just to prove that he maybe pretty, but he's still smart, honest). Brooke is again a talented fashion designer. Peyton makes up for the struggle she must have had in life from having such a ridiculous name by having two amazing talents, she rocks the decks and is an artistic prodigy. Haley is the worst of all with a singing career that rockets with ease.

Now I know that a lot of people who are talented find those talents early and know what they want as soon as they can crawl, but seriously, those must account of at most 20% of people. The rest of us are left to muddle through life feeling horrifyingly inadequate that we haven't had our life goal in place since nursery and are left to wonder when our special talent will emerge and if one never does does that make us useless?

What exactly are writers trying to achieve with this? They may be able to claim that it encourages goals and striving for your dreams. However dreams are a whole lot harder to achieve when you can't write in convenient plot twists that boost you to stardom. No doubt having a dream is a good thing, but for a lot of people they are stumbled on at different times of life- not handily pre-ordained, and I fail to see how pushing that idea is healthy.

UK T.V. teen shows are generally a lot better where this is concerned, proving that it is not a necessary plot device. 'As If' was full of confused complicated characters, in 'Hollyoaks' kids are mostly dealing with normal , if exaggerated, teen things, Grange Hill, Bicker Grove (What? I'm a child of the Nighties- P.j. & Duncan NOT Ant &Dec) even Neighbours from the ozzy end of things present real-ish young people that you can identify with not feel inferior to.

Not entirely free of the whole aspiration business and maybe in a worse way though is Skins (pictured above- just look at the pictures next to each other and ask which show looks more 'real' to you. I rest my case). Amazing show though it is and as much as it American rivals dead in the water quality and reality wise, it does have it's own aspirational quality. If I watch one episode I am left thinking "Damn, I never had that much Sex, Drugs and Rock and Role going on in my life- clearly I went wrong somewhere".

Well to everyone who, like me wonders why they are not as confident, focused or talented as the shiny people on T.V. The real people who have a million things they love to do, or are good at diverse things from maths to drama, people who have talents but have to keep them as hobbies and make their money elsewhere. Well if you are one of these people and are wondering if they are wrong in some way, well I find listening to sunscreen usually helps. Baz Lerman produced it, God bless him. I really hope the song is right. I think the woman who wrote it is an Angel.